If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize
