when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
