Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
