dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
