i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
