So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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