all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
