I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
