I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
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