Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
