His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
