So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
