Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
