Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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