Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
