From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
