: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
