you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
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I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
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Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
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