So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
