you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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