I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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