Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
