I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
