I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
