If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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