We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
