I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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