I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
this boner is exhausting
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
