He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
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So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
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I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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