My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
