I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
