I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
