He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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