Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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