i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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