found the other keg... it's in the tree
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
