I just made out with a guy for $7.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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