alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.