I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
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