Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
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