Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
