AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
