She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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