I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
