Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
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