I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
