The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
