You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Alive.
So much puke
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
