You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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