I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
