the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
