Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
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i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
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You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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