When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
