I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
