Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
