You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
