Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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