someone get that fucking seahorse.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
