On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
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