I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
