I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
