Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
